Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
