i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
