Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
