so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
