the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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