smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
