Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
