Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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