i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
