goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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