Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
two words...techno handjob
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
