allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize