I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had to cum in my sink.
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