i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize