I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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