the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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