hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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