Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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