Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
