im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
