she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
