whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
