I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
