dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize