I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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