Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
