i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
