I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
