There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
