I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
