guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
