The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
