It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
