i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
