Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
