I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
