You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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