God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
