the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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