If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
