Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
