I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
