Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
