yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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