Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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