I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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