You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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