my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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