the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
