I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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