There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
