Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
