I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
