I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize