I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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