The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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