dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
