ADVERTISEMENT

• (917): View more from New York City

  i puked in the mini-firdge

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  we don't have a mini-fridge?

  (917): View more from New York City

  bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that

  Fav 4 3410 1076

  share tweet
  

• (816): View more from Missouri

  Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.

  Fav 9 3187 829

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (305): View more from Florida

  If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?

  Fav 13 826 2338

  share tweet
  

• (910): View more from North Carolina

  when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...

  Fav 106 1943 10846

  share tweet
  

• (+41): View more from Switzerland

  look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.

  Fav 20 6752 976

  share tweet
  

• (810): View more from Michigan

  Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.

  Fav 6 2844 1261

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (850): View more from Florida

  Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

  Fav 10 5558 1172

  share tweet
  

• (518): View more from New York

  i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday

  Fav 10 3291 1139

  share tweet
  

• (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

  Fav 50 18542 1573

  share tweet
  

• (513): View more from Ohio

  I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I stole a bike. Here's a pic

  Fav 10 3774 1302

  share tweet
  

• (408): View more from California

  I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

  Fav 16 2967 1009

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (810): View more from Michigan

  Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  A safari of penis I hurt to the core

  Fav 5 1225 780

  share tweet
  

• (410): View more from Maryland

  Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job

  Fav 3 666 433

  share tweet
  

• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch

  Fav 1 553 448

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (914): View more from New York

  Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?

  Fav 1 533 530

  share tweet
  

Randomize