I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
