It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
