Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
