i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
Randomize
