Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We need to rekindle our bromance
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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